I have this great idea about a new art residency. I've had this idea for a couple of years and I'm missing one piece of the puzzle to make it happen. Just incase you're not familiar with what an "art residency" is, this is it in a nutshell: you go away to some secluded, hopefully utopian-like local with groups of other kinds of artists to do nothing but make art, think, make some more art, get drunk, pass out and do it all over again anywhere from 1 to 3 months. I've been to a few. The best ones generally have the best food - oh yeah, they cook for you! Housing varies on the residency. At one residency I was in a little bungalo (that is spelled wrong but let us pretend I spelled it right) at another I had a room in a giant mansion. The studios range too. At one residency I had a studio in an old school house - which I loved. Some residencies are really fancy and some are survival of the fittest. Allies are formed, couples couple-up and secrets are shared. Days feel like weeks but somehow it all ends too fast and then you're back to the real world... and it sucks. You become close to people so quickly that it feels like you've known them for years - sort of intense. All this and making art is a lot of fun. Unfortunately the prestigious residencies are difficult to get in to. One of them I've applied to 4 times with no luck.
My great idea for a new art residency is not prestigious - its JAIL.
I want to go to prison to make art for a year. If you're thinking I'm nuts well go ahead. Friends I've told this to have already dime-store psychoanalyzed my reasoning. Honestly though, I just want to go somewhere and completely use every bit of idle time to draw (and if they let me - a little light collaging and painting).
I'll be completely taken care of too. I've earned that by paying my taxes for 16 years.
Okay, I know there might be some drawbacks: rape, bad food, cement floors, lights out time, mak'n doody in my own cell.
I've thought all that through. I went to school my whole life until college in West Philly public school. I was fine!
I make friends easily, I'm not threatening and I can draw pictures for people. I could even give tattoos!
My missing piece to this puzzle is what and how to commit the perfect crime to get me in jail for one year.
The judge and jury are not likely to throw me in jail. I have no prior record, I'm a tax paying college educated (almost) middle class white guy. Most likely they will want to fine me, give me like a thousand hours of community service and I'll have to appear in court multiple times. That is exactly what I do not want! Whatever crime I commit I'll have to plead the perfect case.
If the jury is confused about my intentions I'll bring some digital images of my work and a projector and make my lawyer allow me to give a presentation. It will be good practice for future artists' lectures I'll give.
Ultimately though, I need to figure out the perfect crime to commit.
5 comments:
i just want to go to jail for free health insurance.
unlubricated anal rape?
I will send you to jail if you promise to purse your lips like that the whole time. Even when you talk and eat.
I think I'd have to fashion some sort of dental prompter device to keep that purse on.
I'd only be able to eat with a straw which is really funny to imagine. I'd be the guy who needs all his food put in to a blender. I have a feeling I'd be "that guy" about a lot of things. Hopefully not what Justin has in mind.
i was watching COPS (maybe i was, maybe i wasn't) the other night and i saw a guy confiscate a letter written on an entire roll of toilet paper. the guy had snuck (sneaked might be more proper?) in a pencil and wrote a love letter to his sweetie. but aaron--pencils and pens are CONTRABAND. i hate to throw a wrench in your plan. but according to the show i saw, you will have to make do with toilet paper, no pens and pencils. but there are people who use m&m's from the canteen to make dyes. prison is the mother of invention? p.s. the cop confiscated the toilet paper roll! i was so mad.
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